Little Brother

by Jillian Marie

January 20, 2022

We’ve been without you almost an entire month. How is that even possible? How is my little brother gone? I knew you struggled. I’ve always known you struggled. I didn’t know how much, how bad you really did. I feel so much guilt for having not been there for you more. I tear myself apart because one half of my broken heart knows I did what I could, when I could, for you-up to what you would let me in some cases. And the other half of my broken heart tells me I didn’t do enough. That I didn’t do anything. I missed your text that day. Christmas Eve. I didn’t see it until I was with the detective from the state police. I’m so sorry. You were my little brother. You are my little brother. We used to torment each other! You blamed me for drinking mom’s Pepsi while they were at work. You tipped over my toy grocery cart to play with the wheels, so I sat on the lid to my toy box if you climbed inside! That’s what brothers and sisters do. I’m struggling Dougie. I can’t bring myself to accept this. To accept that you’re gone. I just can’t. I want you back. I don’t want your ashes in a necklace I’m wearing or in a box at moms. It doesn’t make sense. The words don’t look right. “Rest in Peace” or “In Loving Memory” next to your name just doesn’t look right. The words don’t belong together. Saying you passed away. A date of death. I just can’t. I miss you. I think I’m rambling again. My best friend. I will carry you with me always, no matter what. I love you and miss you endlessly 💜 Dougie’s big sister 8/28/87-12/24/21

Jillian Marie

I lost my little brother to an overdose on this past Christmas Eve. Life will never be the same, and I find myself struggling daily to make sense of what has happened. I miss him and I wish somehow I could have done more for him. I don’t know how to cope with or how to grieve a loss so huge and traumatic.